Simon

I’m Simon. I suffer from low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.

I know having access to good mental health treatment is vital, so I’m taking part in SAMH Extreme Stomp to do what I can to ensure no one goes without the treatment and support they need.

Let me tell you my story.

Growing up, I just wanted to be liked.

As a child, I hung out with the wrong people. I tried to make people laugh and gain their favour. I don’t know if this was a cry for love or just the hope of becoming popular.

I remember getting put on detention one week because I had thrown a snowball and unintentionally hit the dinner lady in the eye. I had to stand outside the teacher’s staffroom every break and dinner time, facing the wall. The teachers didn’t want to look at me or acknowledge me, or if they did it was, ‘here again Simon?’

When I started secondary school, I was determined to prove my teachers wrong.  I applied myself at my studies. Other students didn’t like me knowing the answer, doing homework, working hard; they thought I was showing off.

I quickly found myself on the receiving end of verbal and physical attacks. I was often black and blue, clothes filthy. I would often not go home at all choosing to stay at my gran’s. When my mum confronted the school, they denied a bullying problem. The torture - mental and physical - got so bad that during the 15 months I was at that school I tried to end my life three times.

I moved to a new, better school and a fresh start; but the reality of my situation hit home, again.  I’d verbally retaliate or belittle people for no reason and I’d often end up pushing those away who only wanted to help me.

All I can remember of the latter years of my childhood is wanting to cry and cry and cry.

We all have emotions. We all cry, so why should it be a weakness? Why should we have to ‘grow a pair’? This attitude is killing young men when they should be seeking help. Not talking about mental health difficulties is contributing to making suicide one of the biggest killers of men under the age of 45.

In 2009, I thought I’d found my soulmate and a few years later we got married. However, the experiences of my childhood resurfaced and I constantly felt the need to prove myself, like I wasn’t good enough for her. I was insecure.

When we lost two close family members over a short period of time, it affected our marriage as we both struggled with our grief.  A couple of years later, my wife decided to leave me and I felt a failure all over again, blaming myself entirely for the failure of our marriage.

Suddenly I was in a deep, dark pit. Diagnosed with depression I chose to ignore it, reject the prescribed medication.

If only I knew then what I know now. It’s not wrong to seek help. Who knows, it may even have saved our marriage?

Last May I met a man who had decided he was going to take his life. He was depressed, his wife had left him and he wasn’t allowed to see his children. I spoke to him about his children, what they were like, what they liked to do, and what would they think if he did it and growing up with no father. After a while, he decided he wanted to live. I embraced him, hugged him tight. For me it was quite a turnaround.

Every conversation about mental health helps to chip away at the stigma surrounding it. Something as simple as a conversation could save someone’s life. All I can say is treasure what you’ve got and embrace life.