Debbie
Debbie has spent the last 12 years of her life fighting to get her two sons support for their mental health.
Both boys problems started for different reasons when they were 15 but the one thing that links their stories is that they were both let down by the system.
“Mess up with one child – it could happen. But with two – that’s a fault in the system.”
Ross*
Ross, who’s now 27, witnessed his friend drowning when they were out fishing. He tried to save him but there was nothing he could do.
“When Ross came home that night, he wasn’t the same person that had sat there just hours before. He went out a wee boy, and came home a grown man.
“He was a mess. After that it was living hell. We tried everything we could, but there was nothing there for him. I begged people to help him, but they couldn’t. And it came down to his age.”
Ross didn’t think he needed any help coming to terms with what happened, he thought he was fine. But as a mum, Debbie knew he wasn’t. At 15 years old, he was an adult in the eyes of the medical profession, and no help could be accessed unless he asked for it.
Ross stopped going to school because of what happened to his friend.
“The school had absolutely no understanding of mental health, no idea how to deal with the situation. We put our trust in the school and they really let us down.”
Ross started to drink to oblivion. Then smoking cannabis, then skunk. Debbie found herself stuck in a hopeless cycle, waiting, hoping, for their local community police officer to bring him home safely every weekend. Ross seemed almost determined to end up in jail, perhaps as the punishment he thought he deserved for what happened.
Eventually Ross was ordered to get psychiatric help as a condition of bail. He was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and more recently, with Survivors Guilt. Medication helped, but without getting to the root of the problem; Ross is trapped in a cycle. When things are going well he comes off the medication. Then comes the psychosis; the delusions; the paranoia; the flashbacks to that night where it all began.
“In Ross’s life, if he feels good, if everything’s going great, he’ll go out of his way to get himself in trouble with the police. That makes him feel better. He can’t cope when he’s happy.”
He’s still a young man, but he’s almost given up on life. He’s too ill to work. He doesn’t want children because he doesn’t want them to be like him.
“The system has let Ross down badly.
“As a mum, watching your son go to hell and back, it makes you feel like you’ve failed as a mum. But the reality is that the system failed us, and it needs to change. As a parent I knew what was best for Ross, and if I’d just been listened to at the time, things could be so different today.”
Craig*
Aged 15, Craig was bright and very academic. He’d always worked hard, but around this time he started to take it to the extreme, staying up all night studying. Around the same time he became obsessed with food and healthy eating.
“At first, we went with it. Teenagers. Take it as it comes.
“But after a while I took him to the doctors. He wasn’t eating, he’d lost lots of weight, and he wasn’t sleeping because he was always studying. I knew something wasn’t right.”
Craig’s doctor agreed and referred him to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). However a few weeks later, Debbie received a letter from CAMHS to say that there was no issue and Craig had been rejected, without even getting an assessment.
Things got worse after that. Craig wouldn’t eat and would even limit his water intake. Debbie and her partner Dave were having to take it night about staying up to look after him. Debbie went back to the GP again and again; and although he was angry and shocked, every time he referred Craig, he was rejected.
The second day of a new school year Craig came home and it was obvious something had happened. Debbie found out that Craig had collapsed at school, and in doing so, wet himself. The school hadn’t sent him home or alerted Debbie. He had to get the school bus home.
Within 24 hours he had been detained under the Mental Health Act. CAMHS were pulled in and Debbie was questioned.
“I was told I should be ashamed of myself letting him get like this. When they checked his history and saw that I’d spent the past six months trying to get him help they apologised. But it was too late. I didn’t trust them.
“I felt judged. There was definitely an aspect of; ‘You can’t be good parents if your son has ended up on a mental health ward.’”
Craig spent a week on an adult psychiatric ward – a scary place for a 15 year old. He had to be supervised at all times as he was a child, but there weren’t enough staff so Debbie and Dave had to cover day time shifts and then go home to look after their other kids.
It wasn’t until Craig was moved to the children’s ward in Edinburgh – a totally different place, decorated like a teenagers bedroom and with the nurses in plain clothes – that it was acknowledged that the rest of the family had been through enough.
“It seems like such a small thing, but it meant so much. They believed us.”
When Craig was better he returned to school. The head teacher refused to meet with Debbie, so he returned with no plan or conversation about his wellbeing.
18 months later and Craig was back in hospital, and Debbie was back travelling back and forth to visit him.
“We couldn’t have done it without our friends and family’s support. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know how we would have done it and still been able to look after our younger daughter.”
Craig was tutored at the hospital, and so despite being unwell he still managed to pass his exams and got into university. He went to France in the summer before starting and was sent home unwell within two weeks.
By this time he was 18, and although a transition to adult services should have been in progress, nothing had been done. The family had all built up a relationship with his CAMHS Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), and now had to get to know a new one.
“Moving to adult services was hard. It should be seamless, but it’s not.”
This time Debbie looked after Craig at home. She didn’t want him to go into an adult ward again. After almost a year in adult services, Craig was finally diagnosed as schizophrenic.
The following year, he was ready for university. The four years were a struggle, particularly as Craig was studying languages and had to spend a year abroad. But with the support of his family, and a great CPN, he got there, by the skin of his teeth.
Debbie
Throughout the whole experience, Debbie never received any support for herself. Her life is spent worrying about Ross and Craig, and trying to juggle looking after her daughter at the same time. An afternoon off to spend with her daughter while knowing her sons were safe seems like a small ask, but it would have been such a relief.
It’s a constant fight for Debbie.
“From a mum’s point of view, you go through so many mixed emotions. You hate your kid, yourself, your other half, the system – you hate everyone. You shout, swear and cry.
“You think, did I not shout enough? Did I not do enough? But I know I did. The help just wasn’t there. And that’s not right. There are so many young people struggling in so many ways and there’s no help. Something has to change.”
*Not real name
