Caragh’s story

The first time I experienced grief and loss was when I was 14. My gran had been diagnosed with cancer, sadly passing only a few weeks later, causing me to worry constantly about the health of my family. I was terrified of being alone, always worried something bad was going to happen to me.

I didn't know why these thoughts were consuming my brain, and I started falling away from school and friends. Every day I felt extremely low. I had no motivation, and I never wanted to leave my bed. My mum and brother were also grieving, and small arguments would escalate into something greater, and I would run away from home. This is when the suicidal thoughts started, and I would imagine putting myself in dangerous situations to make everything go away. I couldn't see an end to the disaster my family was facing.

I stopped eating and started struggling a lot with my body image and weight. This was when my mum realised I needed help and took me to my GP. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety however, due to the waiting lists for CAMHS, I was advised to seek counselling through my school.

In the end, I was sent away with a few leaflets and websites to look at with very little support.

Over the following years I dealt with my mental health issues on my own, trying to navigate teenage years while suffering silently. My family at home had enough on their mind, and I didn’t want to put my struggles onto them. Me and my mum’s relationship started to fall apart, and I found myself staying late out every night to distract myself from my thoughts of suicide.

One day my mum took me to see one of my favourite artists - Harry Styles. By the end of the night we were both drunk, and ended up getting into a small argument which, despite only lasting five minutes, pushed me to breaking point. I couldn’t face the pain anymore. That night, I attempted to die by suicide. I was rushed to hospital, which would become a very daunting experience. I didn’t feel like it was the right place to be for someone feeling the way I was. I had next to no privacy or time to process anything that was going on, sharing a room with five other people.

After leaving hospital I was taken straight to Chris’s house, a charity that offers support to people feeling suicidal. These therapy sessions changed my life. Everyone around me knew exactly what I was feeling and why, and I instantly felt so much weight lifted off my shoulders. My relationship with my mum improved from that day on, and we became a safe space to talk to each other.

Now three years later, I’m constantly implementing strategies I learned in therapy to cope with feeling low and anxious.

When thoughts and feelings do resurface, I remind myself it’s okay to feel how you feel.

I let myself sit in it, process the emotions, and then work on getting out of that place. Most of the time, I just need a release and to talk to someone.

Ever since that day, I’ve vowed to take my experience with mental health and use it to better the world in any way I can. This is where my work with SAMH comes into play; I’m currently trying to share the message about SAMH’s The Nook as much as I can and sharing my story so other people know they are not alone.  

Last year I started posting on TikTok about my day-to-day life with my girlfriend and sharing insights into our life. My biggest aspiration in life is to continue to build a safe community online, where people feel heard and seen. I hope this allows me to grow and network, share my story and help people with their mental health. 

I would love to be my own boss one day, own my company with my partner and just ultimately live my life to the fullest. Every day I wake up I'm beyond grateful to be alive.