Callum’s story

Callum shares his experience of mental health problems and why he would advise anyone to seek support 'when your bad days become regular'.

"My mental health struggles span all the way back to my early teens. It was not exam stress, being bullied or bad teachers which impacted me. While these are all very serious issues that do harm a pupil’s well-being, my problems seemingly came from nowhere. This inability to identify any real cause exacerbated an already confusing and challenging school experience.

"I did not understand myself. Why could my brain not just shut off? Why couldn’t I just sleep like “normal”? And why could I not keep up with the other pupils in my year? All this and more brought my self-esteem down to a low that no teen or child should have to feel. Always working twice as hard as others to achieve the same results hurts. Seeing everyone else always finish before you hurts.

"Maintaining a social life was hard. I was a people-pleaser vulnerable to peer pressure and shy, with difficulties in self-expression. Intrusive thoughts often flooded my mind day and night. I would brood on a plethora of issues for many months. Most of these issues could not be fixed as they were past events. But my brain would not let the “if onlys” and the “what ifs” go. It made me feel weak, useless and helpless.

"I did not get the real answers I needed until my mid-twenties.

"School, college and university were internal battles for me. I became an expert at bottling up my self-esteem issues, my anxiety, and my not-so-good homework/revision routine. To finish tasks, I relied totally on stress and deadlines, with consequences attached. Self-discipline was hard and led to procrastination and self-loathing when I would slip up. As long as I achieved adequate grades in the subjects I was interested in, no one seemed to raise any concern. Perhaps I was just too accustomed to masking my inner issues.

"I remember a number of nights over the last eight years when my insomnia and overactive mind led to depressive breakdowns. My first suicidal thought came during one of these nights. Unfortunately, it became a trend, a habit, even.

"I did not speak about my negative thoughts for a long time. When it all became too much, they spilled out inadvertently. I would like to empathise that the majority of people in my circle supported and understood me when they found out. That alone made me feel listened to, acknowledged and respected. Stigma and fear are real problems when dealing with mental health and suicide. I have endured them too. Mostly in guilt towards myself. But talking about it and encouraging others to do so reduces that stigma which keeps so many people locked away from speaking out.

"After I left university and went into the job market, I referred myself for help. The time for professional support was already well overdue. It was not long before I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). While ADHD is not in itself a mental health problem (it is a neurodevelopmental condition) people with it are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, sleep issues and low self-esteem. This is what I was experiencing. It explained everything. My past made sense. Since diagnosis I have learnt how to manage my emotions, triggers and sensitivities.

"Currently, I am practicing the wonderful art of self-acceptance and self-love. As a result, my anxiety and feelings of inadequacy have both significantly reduced. I no longer allow past issues to drive me to suicidal thoughts.

"When your bad days become regular, don’t hesitate to seek support.

"I write this for anyone who is going through hard and tumultuous times. Please seek help. Whether it’s a recent issue or a long-standing one, your mental health matters because you matter. Bottling it up does not work. I have tried it and I’m never going back. The weight of your emotional and mental pain will not be eased by doing nothing. Do not accept that the issues you’re facing are “just the way it is”. Speak to loved ones, those who have a duty of care for you, a charity, or even a support group.

"There is help out there. It could just be a conversation away. Find ways to release that which burdens you. You are not weak for speaking up. You are brave, honest and deserving of love, especially self-love. You are enough."